When the ball dropped, and the countdown to the new year reached zero, I stepped outside onto the porch to see if I could get a glimpse of the fireworks. It was really cloudy, so I had to squint hard to see anything. I could only see brief faint lights in the fog. The whole atmosphere.. the cold wind, staring into the city, popping of fireworks.. it seemed like the whole year flashed before my eyes. Like.. scenes of the year rushed through my mind (you know sometimes in movies when people have amnesia.. then they suddenly regain their memory and it's the whole different scenes of their lives flash by? yeah that's what it was like). I felt this whole sadness come upon me because I felt like I really had to let go of 2003, and just try to start fresh. But knowing me, it's really hard.

I was talking to one of my friends on the phone and he said something that kinda hit me. He said "If a girl is pretty, you tell her she's smart, but if she's smart, you tell her she's pretty. That way she'll be happy because she'll hear something that she doesn't usually hear." Then I jokingly asked him, "Is that why you tell me I'm pretty?" and he said "Actually no, you're both... pretty and smart. I don't really have anything to say to you. I'd probably go for you... but I know you like ___ too much, and so I don't want to get myself into anything that I know I'll wind up hurt in the end." I'm not trying to bring flattery upon myself or anything, but I thought to myself... what am I doing to myself? I see myself waiting for him to IM me all the time, to call (which he never does anyway), to tell me that everything will be the way it was, but instead I wind up jealous at the smallest things, unhappy, anxious for nothing... it's seriously becoming a burden. Then I'm preventing other things to happen, or I don't even know anymore. This is confusing. I don't know how I really feel anymore.