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I emailed this random update to a few friends on September 7, 2009 and decided to share it with the public hoping it will encourage others and give glory to God.
it is such an epic day for me.. and i wanted to share it with all of you. a few of you know that i have been struggling with this.. and some of you, i have never told before. this weekend i was feeling really anxious... i think i was just overwhelmed with studying GREs, getting a good score, and thinking about what graduate school would accept me.. i knew that i was sinning through my anxiety.. and turned to prayer and the word of God. after a time of prayer, i was overcome with peace knowing that God is sovereign and that i need to stop being so selfish and focusing inwards, rather than on God. i read proverbs 2 and 3.. and started meditating on a number of things including humility, wisdom, pursuing righteousness, and fearing the Lord. then i reached these few verses: "Then you will discern righteousness and justice and equity and every good course. For wisdom will enter your heart and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul; discretion will guard you; understanding will watch over you." and then... "Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones." i kept reading that verse. over and over again. and as i was reading it, i could feel the war of sin raging within my soul. the holy spirit/my conscience was burning and sin was attacking. a bit of history: for the past 3 years i have had a very secretive and inward struggle regarding possession of illegally downloaded music+movies/pirated movies+software. in the beginning of my sophomore year, i decided that i was going to start buying music legally. and ever since the 5th grade, i had illegally downloaded music from the internet (i had a hefty collection). however, i decided i wasn't going to delete those files. in my head, i convinced myself that it was ok.. and what's done was done. but during the beginning my junior year, i felt extreme guilt and shame over my possession of illegal files. i would have times where i felt so much guilt and then other times i felt completely fine. it came in waves. and every time i felt a dirty conscience, i would try to suppress it and justify it in my head. let me tell you, i suppressed these feelings CONSTANTLY. there were many times i heard the preaching of the word or read the word of God and felt deep shame and the holy spirit moving.. and then later i would even pray "God, if i am truly convicted of this, please bother me more." bc sometimes i convinced myself that i was feeling this way because i was "fearing man." wow, way to turn a situation into a holy one right? there was even one time i deleted only the songs that i felt like i could give up (and decided that i would delete illegal songs progressively in the future, which by the way, never happened). these actions were out of a STUBBORN and UNREPENTANT and SELFISH heart. i always knew it, i just didn't want to come to terms with it. but after i read proverbs 3... truly the verse "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" came alive... and I was overwhelmed by feelings of sorrow over my sin, fear of the Lord, and wow, my eyes were just fixed on Christ and pleasing Him because I loved Him deeply and feared Him greatly. result: i acted quick and abruptly. i did not want Satan to take a hold of me and sway me the other way. tonight, i (1) deleted all my movies and tv episodes from my external hard drive, (2) threw away all my pirated scrubs+friends dvds from china, (4) uninstalled all my illegal software, (5) deleted all my illegal music (refer to attached image), (6) synced my ipod so that all my illegal music is now gone forever how do i feel now? so thankful... joyful... free... the reason i'm sending this email is that i wanted to encourage you with this "testimony" and just share with you the amazing power of the holy spirit.... sorry this email was so long.. i just let the words flow. if you read all of it, thank you! :) ...and also wanted to exhort all of you.. do NOT suppress sin. do not justify sin. be at constant battle with the flesh.. work out your salvation with fear and trembling. CUT SIN AT THE BUD. but most importantly, keep the most important commandment: love the Lord your God with all your SOUL MIND AND STRENGTH. ATTACHMENT |
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